This Is What Anxiety Sounds Like
I’m sitting in the lobby of the real estate agency I used to find a new apartment. I visited it last week and fell in love with it. It’s on the last floor of a five-story building. No elevator. It keeps the zombies away.
I know ghosts can float, but they’ll be tired by the time they make it to the top.
Suddenly it hits me. I know nothing about this agency. I found them online. Online, where good people get swindled for money on a daily basis.
Am I even in the right place? The agent said words on the phone, but they were all in French, and my French is still not very good. I know there were two doors about 10 meters apart from each other, under the same street number.
My decision-making skills collapse at “two options”.
I rang the doorbell and said I had a meeting and they buzzed me in. Maybe they’re expecting someone who also has a meeting in the same building? I didn’t even mention the agent’s name.
Now I’m sitting here. With a half-finished Tall Skinny Vanilla Latte, which I probably should’ve finished before coming in. Is it ok if I drink this here? Do they have a no food/drinks policy that I missed? I didn’t notice any signs on the way in, but hey I’m distracted, so you never know.
Hell, I never know.
The lady at the welcome desk told me to take a seat, and I took the seat directly in front of her. Is that culturally acceptable? Do I need to make small talk with her now?
Oh right, I have a phone! I’m just going to ignore she’s there while mindlessly scrolling through anything. What did you tap open? No, you can’t scroll through Citymapper.
Pinterest is fine, sure.
I’ve finished my coffee, and I’m way too early, so now I have nothing to entertain my mouth with while I try not to say anything.
Should I ask if I can toss the cup in the trash? How does one even say “trash can” in French? I should’ve researched that before I walked in the room.
Is the office trash can available for clients? Of the agency I’m not even sure I’m supposed to be in?
Lots of people coming in, so sure of themselves. They have a purpose, they walk in with certainty, get what they need, and walk out.
Oh good, someone just got a key. So this IS a real estate agency.
Hold on, what if they’re actors? In some elaborate pantomime designed to put me at ease while they rob me blind?
Nah. I got here early. They couldn’t have prepared a scene so realistic while I was still not supposed to be here.
This IS a real estate agency. Cool. Yes.
But is it the one I was looking for? What if there was another real estate agency next door to the one I was supposed to go?
What if I took a wrong turn? What if I misunderstood the French word for left? It’s not always “socialiste”.
“Madame Champagne will be right with you”, the lady at the front desk says. Ugh, I was so early the poor woman is still printing out the contract I’m here to sign.
I should’ve walked around the block a few more times.
But hey at least the name is correct. So this is the real estate agency, and my agent does work here.
I’m probably not going to get ripped off today.
Ah yes, she’s here! Excellent! She’s the same lady that showed me the apartment. Another box checked.
She’s got a beautiful varnish colour. Can I say that? What’s the protocol here? Would she even like to know? Nah, don’t say anything. She probably already knows. She did pick that colour herself after all.
She knows what works. She matched it with her shoes today.
She is saying a lot of words. In French. If this were English, I wouldn’t have an internal monologue right now. I think I understand everything. Quick, ask a question to indicate you’ve understood the concept! Anything! “Remotely on topic” works too!
Right, she just mentioned the date when you’re getting the key. Remember it.
No no, you never remember anything, just write it down on your calendar.
Ok good, now set the two alarms you always set. Yes, one for the day before and another for an hour before. No, don’t argue, you’re going to forget.
Of course she noticed you need two alarms. Explain that you forget. Make sure you remember her name though. No, don’t mention the varnish.
Contract’s signed. Your signature is now on a legal paper in France. Yes, it’s not the first time, and it won’t be the last, but this is the first time you’re doing this alone. No one to hold your hand.
Sign it. Just sign it.
Here?
Here’s an idea! Let her sign it first, and then you’ll know your signature goes in the OTHER side of the page.
Check the letterhead. It’s the name of the agency you meant to be in. Right? I mean, that’s your name on the contract. Not a lot of people have your last name. Imagine if your last name were Smith or something, the anxiety would be through the roof.
Ok well, that’s done. Say goodbye.
WAIT.
Let her make the first move. Check her micro-gestures. Is she heading back to her office or is she going to shake your hand? You have like three milliseconds for this and your time…starts…now!
HAND!
Ok, shake the hand. Not too strong, not too soft. Listen to her words. If she says “Goodbye” don’t reply “You too!”.
Head for the door. Don’t trip on the stairs. Don’t step on the gap between the boards either. Don’t look like you’re skipping.
Don’t look like you’re elated this is happening. That you found your place, which you can call your place. It’s a typical transaction. Adults do this all the time.
You can jump with joy when you finally have the key.
Hold on.
But…what if she doesn’t show up that day?
Did I just get ripped off?
Oooh, another Starbucks across the street!
Don’t step on the cracks in the pavement. Ok, let’s go.
Forward.
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